e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.

You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.