e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.