I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one.

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.