I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.