I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.

I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.