I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.