I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.