I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.