I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.