I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, Now I do four cities in one week and they tour nonstop. I'm like, No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month. But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television.

Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.

I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.