I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?

We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.