If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.