Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.

I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.

The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.