Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.