Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.