I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.

At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.

Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.

You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?