I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'