Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
Daniel ToshYou know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.
Daniel ToshOne day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.
Daniel ToshEvery year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11.
Daniel Tosh