At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.