At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.

There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.