How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an idiot, so I think that softens it a little bit.

If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.