If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.

I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?