If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.