If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.