I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.