I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.