You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.