If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.

I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.