If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.

There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one.

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.