I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.