Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.

I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'