When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.

No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.