When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.

Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose), reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.