If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

I think it's kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that's stealing. Wow talk about ironic.

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.