The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

I can say that. I have a television show.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.