The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

I can say that. I have a television show.

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”