The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.