You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.