You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

I'm not really a music guy.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.