The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!"

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.