The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!"

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

I have no grand scheme.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.