Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.

The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.