Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.

It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.