You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
Dave AttellDon't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.
Dave AttellI'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.
Dave AttellWhat's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
Dave Attell