Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

I don't watch reality TV.

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"

Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.