Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

At the time, we were mad at Moammar Gadhafi, which resulted in us bombing all over Libya and killing a bunch of people, but not him. Then Ronald Reagan gets up and says we're not trying to kill him, we're just dropping bombs. You can kill all the Libyans you want, but legally you can't try to kill the leader.

Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.

As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

Database: the information you lose when your memory crashes.

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.