One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet

People don't like it when you make fun of a celebrity. When you make fun of a celebrity, you'll hear from really loyal fans of that celebrity.

I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.

England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

Each year, millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.

Directors are always changing things at the last minute. Actors will do a scene, and the director will say, ‘Okay, that was perfect, but this time, Bob, instead of saying “What’s for dinner?” you say, “Wait a minute! Benzene is actually a hydrocarbon!” And say it with a Norwegian accent. Also, we think maybe your character should have no arms.