I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I always wanted to write when I was a kid; it just never occurred to me that you could have a job that didn't involve any actual work.... I felt it would be fun to have a job like that where you could make stuff up and be irresponsible and get paid for it.

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"

Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result of being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.

The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over.

To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.