Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Greyhound Bus Lines motto: "We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards."

The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read.

I can snap your spine like a toothpick.

The planes are crowded and noisy and late, and everybody hates everybody. If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the flights I've been on lately, we passengers would have swiftly beaten them to death with those hard rolls you get with your in-flight meals.