Note that both of these papers [the New York Post and the New York Daily News] are big sellers in a city whose residents like to go around saying they'd never live anyplace else on account of they'd miss the opera.

When doctors describe pain as experiencing "discomfort," it's like saying Hiroshima experienced "urban renewal".

I grew up in the Southwest Bronx. Father an accountant, mother a schoolteacher. Brother was six years older, which explains why I gobbled crystal meth at 12, smoked hashish at 13, and was shooting smack at 17, which explains how I got Hepatitis C, which was the basis of my first book, which was a humor book about dying.

Many people have trouble sticking to their resolutions, and there is a simple scientific explanation for this. In 1987, a team of psychologists conducted a study in which they monitored the New Year's resolutions of 275 people. After one week the psychologists found that 92 percent of the people were keeping their resolutions; after two weeks we have no idea what happened because the psychologists had quit monitoring.

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.

DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.