Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta

At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say "excuse me." Imagine what would happen if you tried an insane stunt like that on the New York City subway. The other passengers would take it as a sign of weakness, and there'd be a fight over who got to keep your ears as a trophy.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.

I've always found relationships, men and women, the fact that they are so radically different, and it manifests itself in so many different ways, and yet somehow we still try to live together and be friends. I find that endlessly valuable as a source of material for humor. Generally dogs are always funny in my opinion. And the federal government - just a relentlessly productive source of humor.

The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.