My mother told me, “Son, it is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.” I have tried very hard to heed those words.

Now, once again, we find ourselves facing rising gas prices, and the question is: This time, are we going to learn from the past? Are we finally going to get serious about energy conservation? Of course not! We have the brains of mealworms! So we need to get more oil somehow. As far as I can figure, there's only one practical way to do this. That's right: We need to clone more dinosaurs. We have the technology, as was shown in two blockbuster scientific movies, Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park Returns with Exactly the Same Plot. Once we have the dinosaurs, all we need is an asteroid.

The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.

If you're like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.

I read the whole Jack Reacher series by Lee Child. They don't take long.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

I'm happy to start on one topic and end on another one entirely, as long as it's funny.