My mother told me, “Son, it is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.” I have tried very hard to heed those words.

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.

Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession (humor columnist). After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade.

Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress.

I really try to think cinematically, because that's how people read. They create a theater in their minds.

The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.