I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

I'm happy to start on one topic and end on another one entirely, as long as it's funny.

A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. A tautology is a thing which is tautological. A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention. If your kids look like you, it's hereditory. If they look like the neighbor, it's the environment. Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal

Far too often, we fathers avoid the subject because it's so awkward. The subject I am referring to is: buying gifts for women. This is an area where many men do not have a clue. Exhibit A was my father, who was a very thoughtful man, but who once gave my mother, on their anniversary, the following token of his love, his commitment, and-yes-his passion for her: an electric blanket.