I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.

I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

I know that all over America there's probably politicians sending out pictures of themselves signing that mandatory helmet bill, but it's bullshit. I say that as a parent.

Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains.

AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber.