Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.

Dogs do not grasp the concept of house cleaning.

Cats are independent, by which I mean smart.

A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.

[American tax laws] are constantly changing as our elected representatives seek new ways to ensure that whatever tax advice we receive is incorrect.

In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.

By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.