Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!

Everyone around me says, You're a genius! You're great! That's your voice! But I'm not sure if they're right.

Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.

Ralph Nader has slavery reparations on his platform, which makes me think he's not serious. If he thought he could win he wouldn't even say that.

At the time, I was reading this Miles Davis book, and he was talking about coming to New York right after he was in high school. It kind of made me feel like, "Yeah." I didn't want to go to college; I wanted to do stand-up. And I figured, "What's the point of doing stand-up around DC? I'm always going to be under-appreciated there because I started there." I felt like I was strong enough and unique enough that I should give it a big leash to shine. New York was the best thing that ever happened to me as a comedian.

My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'

My wife asked me once if I weren't a comedian, what I would do. I couldn't answer the question. I never imagined doing anything else.