Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!

Chivalry is dead. Women killed it.

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

I enjoy my own thoughts sometimes.

After a while, a joke, if you say it too much, just becomes contrived, or fake-sounding.

The kid is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I think extreme sports are really good for relieving stress.