I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault and I have no faults.

Van Halen can keep providing the rain and I'll keep providing the parade.

I can teach you to jump up in five seconds-it takes years to learn how to land properly.

The problem with self-improvement is knowing when to quit.

People ask me how far I've come. And I tell them twelve feet: from the audience to the stage.

Music journalists love Elvis Costello and hate me because they look like Elvis Costello

My visions and fantasies are pretty standard. The only difference is I got to do it, while most of us haven't. Beyond that, I'm a pretty standard guy. Give me a gal with a sense of humor, acidic wit, who's read a few books and has a body like a Swedish speed skater, and I'm quite content.