Remember, life is just a game and no one gets out alive

I knew already when I was seven years old, that I wanted to be on stage and entertain people. I sell laughs. Here, you got one for free!

Ya know, I always admired Ray Kroc, the man who invented McDonald's. Ray had a vision of the most commonplace thing - a hamburger and fries to go - but to him it was just the greatest thing ever, and he was going to make it the greatest thing ever for everybody else, and he did.

Self-tragedy is always a great way to dramatize yourself - ask any teenager.

The perfect woman has an IQ of 150, wants to make love until 4 in the morning, then turns into a pizza!

If you put a Van Halen album in your record collection, it will melt all the rest of your records.

Classic Van Halen made people want to dance and f**k. Modern Van Halen makes you want to drink milk and drive foreign cars.