Remember, life is just a game and no one gets out alive

Music journalists love Elvis Costello and hate me because they look like Elvis Costello

I can teach you to jump up in five seconds-it takes years to learn how to land properly.

If you put a Van Halen album in your record collection, it will melt all the rest of your records.

I always wanted to be an outrage to public decency and a threat to women. And this is one of the few occupations where you're not only allowed that, but you're encouraged.

Maybe I'm like acts of Congress or your favorite Chinese restaurant - you don't really want to know what's going on behind the door. I'm a real study in contrast, I expect, looking from without. But it adds up to what you get on stage.

The perfect woman has an IQ of 150, wants to make love until 4 in the morning, then turns into a pizza!