Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that.

Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.

I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.

I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing we've learned from it's that you can't trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm telling you the list goes on.

Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.

Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees - they're known as Democrats - they're looking for a new planet.

I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.