Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.

John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message.

President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again.

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.

I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.