Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.

I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show host, but I never want to be accused of being an arrogant, pompous showbiz asshole.

Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.

Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. ... There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.

This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.

Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.

The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.