Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.

You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I'm thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready.

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.

This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that's the first new job he's created since taking office.

My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America.