Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards.

Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that.

Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president's chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What's the problem?

They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'

Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see anymore beady-eyed little weasels, I'll just keep riding the subway.

Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter.

It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they're finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can't get enough gridlock.