Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards.

Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?

Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.

The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.

Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I'd like to release all of my emails. I've got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.

Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker.

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.