President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They're both in China at the same time. It's like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation.

Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.

Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the next governor of California. He is so confident he has already chosen a body oil for the inauguration.

Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. ... There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.

I've had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.