The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.

I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!

John Boehner - doesn't he look like every guy you've ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money.

Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed.

The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami.

All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.

President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.