You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella. First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought that the healthiest part of a B.L.T. would be the bacon?

One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on Fox News.

Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.

A small handgun makes any TV remote control.

Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.