Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats.

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.

Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, 'Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.'

Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?

This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, 'May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?'

All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.