The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It's the same thing that is happening to Hillary.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, 'If this van's rockin', I'm deleting emails.'

The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.