Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.

I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.

Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.

You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.

Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to 'President Trump.'

The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.

Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address - while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!