Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He's almost certainly running, and I'm almost certainly retiring, so I don't care.

You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.

President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again.

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I'm telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one.

Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.