Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.

The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.

A small handgun makes any TV remote control.

When I stopped smoking cigars it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. So my resolution for 98 is Im going to start smoking cigars again. I gave them up about a year and a half ago, and I now realize that it may have been my one last fun, interesting thing to do.

Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict.

I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.

You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.