Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.
David LettermanYou probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is back home in the United States. And we sent them some prisoners. The deal still has to be approved by President Obama and Bud Selig.
David LettermanSt. Patrick's Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It's not the biggest. It's right behind New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party.
David LettermanChild labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China - oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum.
David Letterman